How To Support A Loved One Through Illness

Talk Through The Diagnosis

Supporting a loved one usually starts at the point of diagnosis, so knowing what to say and how to react is incredibly important, explains counsellor and psychotherapist Neil Wilkie: “If you can, be present during the diagnosis then go somewhere private where you can talk about how they are feeling. Cry, hug and hold each other to feel connected and, most importantly, really listen to what they say. You should also be ready to help with informed decisions they might need to make quickly, particularly if dealing with a terminal illness.” However, depending on the diagnosis, the news can be just as devastating for you as it is for a loved one, so feeling shocked is inevitable, explains mental health specialist Zoe Clews. “Shock will be your first emotion, even if the diagnosis was expected, because an adjustment to a new way of life is required. As the individual adjusts to a new way of life, whether temporary or permanent, a grieving process is likely to follow – because you might both be dealing with a sense of loss,” says Zoe.
 
To process these emotions, you need to talk through your feelings, says life coach Michelle Elman: “Provide them with a space to talk about it if they are comfortable doing so but, if they are not ready, remind them that you are there for them and will always be there for a conversation if they change their mind. The goal of these conversations is to reassure them and, whilst you can't know the outcome of their diagnosis or what the future holds, you can support them by validating their emotions whether their fear.” 

Make Their Treatment Journey As Easy As Possible

A fear of the unknown can be difficult for both parties to face, particularly if the diagnosis is completely unexpected and you’re given a complex treatment plan. “To make their treatment journey as easy as possible, be there as a supporter at appointments where you can, listen to the doctors and ask important questions, especially when your loved one might not have the capacity to ask them or might be feeling overwhelmed,” says Neil. “Allow them to feel in control rather than having treatment imposed on them. You should also make notes, when appropriate, so you have clarity on their care plan and schedule.” Be specific with the support you can offer, explains mental health and wellness expert Alejandra Sarmiento. “The obvious thing you can do is ask them how to help, but it’s important to be specific – for example ‘do you want a lift to the hospital?’ or ‘what would you like from the shops?’ – as opposed to ‘let me know if you need anything?’. Keep in mind that some people aren’t used to asking for help or might be trying hard to maintain a ‘business as usual’ attitude, so don’t be downhearted if they turn down your offers; just make sure they know you’re there if needed.”

Do Your Research, But Don’t Overwhelm Them

Knowledge is power, so it’s a good idea to have an understanding of your loved one’s illness, without overwhelming them or yourself with information, explains Zoe. “It’s obviously helpful that you understand their illness in depth, as it can be comforting to know exactly what is going on and what you can expect. However, be careful on what you research and keep in mind that a lot of information on the internet is not medically correct. The first port of call should always be their medical team, not Google. Also, try to focus on researching people's recovery stories, which can provide hope and experiences they can relate to,” she told us. Michelle agrees: “When someone you love is ill, you can feel helpless and you might want to search for solutions. However, that's not what the person needs. They have a set of professionals to provide medical advice, so be sure to process your own feelings and research separately.” 

Be A Good Listener

Learning to be a good listener and creating the right environment for sensitive conversation is key in offering emotional support, says Alejandra. “It’s important to create the right environment to make your loved one feel like they’re being heard. Find a spot away from things that normally distract you, put away your mobile phone, and show them that they have your undivided attention through your body language. Aim to listen with your heart as well as your ears.” Also, learn how to be an ‘active listener’, adds Zoe: “Active listening means making a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated. This is about paying attention to the other person very carefully. It’s not a time to allow yourself to become distracted by anything else going on – either internally or externally, or with counter arguments. If you become bored or lose focus, quietly but firmly bring your attention back to what they are saying. The more you listen to someone, the more likely they are to listen to you, which ultimately results in a stronger relationship.” Having moments of silence can also be a good thing, suggests Neil. “Allow the silences to speak – a brief pause shows that you are engaged with what they are saying. After a pause, validate what they have told you, so they know that they have been heard and ask questions so you can further understand their perspective,” he advises.
 
Keep in mind that listening is just that – you don’t have to advise them, explains psychotherapist Audrey Stephenson. “You're not a therapist or their counsellor – you're just there for support. You don't always have to reassure someone that everything will be fine, because we cannot guarantee that. That might sound harsh or scary, but it’s an important point to remember. Frankly, when someone's dealing with a serious illness, they know that there are no guarantees. Therefore, it can be affirming just to have someone say, ‘Yes, that sounds awful and scary, I'd be scared too.’ Try to focus on the things you can do within your control, and stay positive and hopeful where possible. We know how powerful our mind is here, but there's a difference between denial and false promises.”

Think Practically

“One of the best ways to help a loved one through illness is to offer practical support, particularly with things they might not be able to do themselves or feel unable to cope with,” says Zoe. “Make a list, noting where they need support and any necessary adjustments that need to take place, for example changes in their living space, assistance with diet, sleeping or exercise, and ensuring things like prescriptions are collected on time. It’s also important to do all you can to ensure that they have adequate sleep and rest before any appointments. Be aware that they might feel anxious, irritable or agitated that they cannot do certain things themselves and remind yourself not to take anything personally.” If they’re reluctant to receive help, reaffirm that you want to help them, adds Neil. “They might say ‘I don’t want to be a burden’ or ‘I can manage on my own’, so it’s important to reassure them and make it clear you want to help them, as opposed to feeling like you have to.”